Choices

Melissa and I were talking the other day about how good life feels right now.  She was paying the bills and noticing how different things are now than they were a few years ago.  Our tight budget has become somewhat looser.  Our ability to save for the future has increased and our stress concerning financial emergencies has greatly decreased.  It's funny how easy life often seems when things go according to plan.

Things didn't go according to plan in August and for a time life was hard.  On a bad day Melissa might say that it is still hard and she certainly has her hard days, but they are getting fewer and farther in between.  It is often said that through trials we are strengthened and while I don't know if I am any stronger I do know that we, as a family, are stronger.  If nothing else at least our little ones are more prepared for the winter if our heat should go out.

Sometime in 2011 we will face the decision of whether or not to continue trying to have children.  2 months ago the phrase "trying to have children" was foreign to me.  We decided to wait a few month, at least, before making any decisions because Melissa's not ready now and truth be told I'm probably not ready either.  That is not to say that we haven't discussed the future.  We have.  There has been a lot of pondering and a lot of prayer concerning our family.  At this point I don't know what the decision will be, but I am excited to make the choice.

I love the choices in life.  I love that I have the ability to make decisions that will affect me tomorrow as well as 10, 20, 50 years down the road.  It scares me at times, but it's a good scare.  Maybe Melissa has me to blame for what transpired in August (not really) because I am scared of the future as it seems normal.  All our big choices seem to be behind us.  I chose to go on a mission.  I chose to leave Cedar for school.  I chose an eternal companion.  We chose to go away to medical school and then after spending a wonderful year in Cedar City we decided to leave again for residency.  Along the way we chose to have 5 children and found out that we are not always in control.  All but the last of those decisions have gone pretty much according to plan and nothing too unexpected has happened during that time.

I often imagine my life (and for the past 10 years, our life) as a line on a graph that is heading upward much like a graph of the stock market (one of my own measures of success is comfort in your own dorkiness).  As I have approached each of the above choices there has been a right decision and a wrong decision for me.  Not that the opposite decision was inherently bad, just that it wasn't the most correct decision for me.  One choice keeps my graph going up while the other does not or if it does it does so in a less steep curve.  My graph is changing now.  I now see two different colored lines on the graph and try as I may, I can't compare them to each other with any degree of usefulness.  This decision coming in a few months is different for me.  After praying and pondering and fasting and talking and crying I have come to the conclusion that there isn't a wrong decision.  I'm not even sure if there is a better decision.  I feel that this decision is one to be made based on what we want and that feels so strange.  Melissa tells me she is scared to face it, but for whatever reason I'm super excited and I can't explain why.