Apparently you can only take so many pictures before Kami lets you know how she's feeling.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
What an angel
You may think these pictures were posed. They weren't. They were all taken at the some time though not in this order but I like the story they tell. I'll let you narrate the pictures in your mind.
I've got some more thoughts, but they'll have to wait for tomorrow or another day, however, I do wish to say thank you for all the words, thoughts and prayers that have been sent our way.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Thoughts
Melissa had her D/C this morning. Everything went well and she has been sleeping this afternoon. It's nice to have that behind us. The hospital has a wonderful program set up with one of the cemeteries in town that allows them to have a plot where they bury the babies in cases like ours should the parents so choose. They have a short service every 3 months for the families. It's nice because I just don't know what to tell Spencer when he asks what is going to happen to the baby. Well now I do know.
The roller coaster of emotions certainly hasn't slowed down. I can't remember being this confused about my feelings. Melissa and I talk about it and we both would love to talk to others about it because it helps so much, but it is so hard to do so because then the tears flow. So what do I do instead? I write.
I never thought I was one of those guys who thought miscarriage was just something that happens, but I was. It's rare that I see a pregnant woman who hasn't lost a baby some way or another. The G3P3 as it were, just doesn't walk through the doors of my clinic very often so I've become accustomed to miscarriages. I've been on the other side. I've been the one to break the news to a soon-to-be mother that she is no longer so soon to be. I've done a good job with it as far as I can tell but in my mind I think I've thought, it's okay, you can have other kids or this happened so early in your pregnancy that it's really not that big of a deal.
Then I had someone close to me go through an early miscarriage and I learned that it is pretty hard, but still I thought in my mind; I'm sure this is hard, but it happens all the time so you should be able to get through this pretty easily. What an ignorant fool I was.
I made it through yesterday and most of today because I had to. I had to be the one to tell Melissa that she didn't want to pass this at home. I knew that the best choice for us knowing her and knowing myself was to get this procedure done as soon as possible. I knew the surgeon and had complete faith in his abilities and I did my part to convey that to Melissa. Now we are through that part and I don't know anymore. What happens now? I don't have any prior knowledge to hang on to. I don't have any next steps to keep me firm.
I feel selfish because I already have 4 healthy and happy kids and I was worried about being disappointed if we didn't have twins. I feel selfish because this baby wasn't a firm part of my family yet, but the loss affects my future. It affects my plans. It affects the ages of my children should we decide to have more.
I feel sad because we have lost something. I'm confused because I can't identify that loss clearly. I feel ashamed for not understanding.
Some years ago when I was going through a particularly bad spell of anxiety and depression I called my sister who talked me through some things and comforted me in ways I didn't think possible at the time. She told me that there would come a time when I would do the same for someone else because I understood how it felt. I have done that numerous times since that day, in both professional and private settings.
I'm a better father, husband, and physician today that I was two days ago. I have a closer relationship with my family, friends and most of all my Savior, but it may take some time before I stop wishing I could have just learned this lesson from the scriptures.
The roller coaster of emotions certainly hasn't slowed down. I can't remember being this confused about my feelings. Melissa and I talk about it and we both would love to talk to others about it because it helps so much, but it is so hard to do so because then the tears flow. So what do I do instead? I write.
I never thought I was one of those guys who thought miscarriage was just something that happens, but I was. It's rare that I see a pregnant woman who hasn't lost a baby some way or another. The G3P3 as it were, just doesn't walk through the doors of my clinic very often so I've become accustomed to miscarriages. I've been on the other side. I've been the one to break the news to a soon-to-be mother that she is no longer so soon to be. I've done a good job with it as far as I can tell but in my mind I think I've thought, it's okay, you can have other kids or this happened so early in your pregnancy that it's really not that big of a deal.
Then I had someone close to me go through an early miscarriage and I learned that it is pretty hard, but still I thought in my mind; I'm sure this is hard, but it happens all the time so you should be able to get through this pretty easily. What an ignorant fool I was.
I made it through yesterday and most of today because I had to. I had to be the one to tell Melissa that she didn't want to pass this at home. I knew that the best choice for us knowing her and knowing myself was to get this procedure done as soon as possible. I knew the surgeon and had complete faith in his abilities and I did my part to convey that to Melissa. Now we are through that part and I don't know anymore. What happens now? I don't have any prior knowledge to hang on to. I don't have any next steps to keep me firm.
I feel selfish because I already have 4 healthy and happy kids and I was worried about being disappointed if we didn't have twins. I feel selfish because this baby wasn't a firm part of my family yet, but the loss affects my future. It affects my plans. It affects the ages of my children should we decide to have more.
I feel sad because we have lost something. I'm confused because I can't identify that loss clearly. I feel ashamed for not understanding.
Some years ago when I was going through a particularly bad spell of anxiety and depression I called my sister who talked me through some things and comforted me in ways I didn't think possible at the time. She told me that there would come a time when I would do the same for someone else because I understood how it felt. I have done that numerous times since that day, in both professional and private settings.
I feel this is very similar to that situation for as I ponder what has happened and read and hear the words of you who have experienced this I see that you understand. Because this is something that does happen so often, there are so many people who understand, and your words are special. It is through your words as well as the words of those who love us and have not experienced this that I see Christ. I see the man of Galilee who paid for our sins and takes our burdens upon him. I see the man who understands my trials because he suffered all. I see his hand in his servants as they put aside their own needs to care for someone else who is hurting. Those who comfort those who stand in need of comfort exemplify Christ, and bring me closer to him. And I know that it is only though him that my pain can be soothed and my suffering can be eased because he already paid for this heartache, all I have to do is let him.
I'm a better father, husband, and physician today that I was two days ago. I have a closer relationship with my family, friends and most of all my Savior, but it may take some time before I stop wishing I could have just learned this lesson from the scriptures.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Some Bad News
Melissa is having a D/C tomorrow. She had an ultrasound at her OB visit this morning and the baby had no heartbeat. It measured 8.5 weeks which means it stopped growing about 2 weeks ago.
On the one hand this sucks. On the other hand this really sucks.
As you can imagine it has been a hard day but we have seen the Lord's hand in our lives today. Melissa's appointment was this morning and my phone rang just as I was heading back to the doctor's lounge between surgery cases. I was alone in the lounge so I didn't even have to leave to cry a bit. Her physician gave her a long hug which was very comforting then gave her some information to make a decision as to whether or not to proceed with a D/C. We didn't deliberate long and I had her call back as soon as she got home to see how soon she could have the procedure done and they were able to fit her in tomorrow. So we'll be heading to the hospital early tomorrow morning.
We've gone through a range of emotions today, Melissa more so than I. We are doing well, but a little scared about what is to come in the next week, again Melissa more so than I.
Our outlook for the next year has certainly changed. We don't know if or when we will have any more children and we don't plan to know for at least a few months.
We appreciate the love and prayers of family and friends as so many of you have expressed understanding of what we are now feeling.
I guess we jumped the gun a bit with the Yukon, but Melissa tells me she won't make me take it back, though in her current state I could probably get anything out of her.
On the one hand this sucks. On the other hand this really sucks.
As you can imagine it has been a hard day but we have seen the Lord's hand in our lives today. Melissa's appointment was this morning and my phone rang just as I was heading back to the doctor's lounge between surgery cases. I was alone in the lounge so I didn't even have to leave to cry a bit. Her physician gave her a long hug which was very comforting then gave her some information to make a decision as to whether or not to proceed with a D/C. We didn't deliberate long and I had her call back as soon as she got home to see how soon she could have the procedure done and they were able to fit her in tomorrow. So we'll be heading to the hospital early tomorrow morning.
We've gone through a range of emotions today, Melissa more so than I. We are doing well, but a little scared about what is to come in the next week, again Melissa more so than I.
Our outlook for the next year has certainly changed. We don't know if or when we will have any more children and we don't plan to know for at least a few months.
We appreciate the love and prayers of family and friends as so many of you have expressed understanding of what we are now feeling.
I guess we jumped the gun a bit with the Yukon, but Melissa tells me she won't make me take it back, though in her current state I could probably get anything out of her.
Monday, August 2, 2010
New Spice
If you haven't seen the awesome new marketing campaign by Old Spice you won't understand this parody, but if you have and you love it like I do then this is for you.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Heart Healthy
A couple of weeks ago I was watching PBS. That's right I become more like my father with each passing minute. When I take over for him next year some of the patients may not even notice the change with my increasing gray hair (though for the near future I am slower and for the far future much less knowledgeable about medicine).
Anyway back to PBS. The show I was watching was about breakfast diners across the US. I love breakfast. If I go to a restaurant that serves it's breakfast menu all day I can't bring myself to order anything that is not on that menu. Melissa looks at salads and burgers and chicken, whereas I'm all for the pancakes, sausage, eggs, and of course biscuits and gravy.
On this particular show there was a diner that served a very unique dish. I can't remember the name of the diner or where it was located but the dish was a hard boiled egg surrounded in a layer of bratwurst sausage which was then covered with breadcrumbs and deep fried. Could there be a better food for your heart than this masterpiece. I had to try this concoction so today I set myself to do it.
First I boiled an egg then I covered it in a pancake of sausage (pork because that stuff out of Germany is nasty) and I rolled the product around in a bowl of crushed Club Crackers.
Anyway back to PBS. The show I was watching was about breakfast diners across the US. I love breakfast. If I go to a restaurant that serves it's breakfast menu all day I can't bring myself to order anything that is not on that menu. Melissa looks at salads and burgers and chicken, whereas I'm all for the pancakes, sausage, eggs, and of course biscuits and gravy.
On this particular show there was a diner that served a very unique dish. I can't remember the name of the diner or where it was located but the dish was a hard boiled egg surrounded in a layer of bratwurst sausage which was then covered with breadcrumbs and deep fried. Could there be a better food for your heart than this masterpiece. I had to try this concoction so today I set myself to do it.
First I boiled an egg then I covered it in a pancake of sausage (pork because that stuff out of Germany is nasty) and I rolled the product around in a bowl of crushed Club Crackers.
Next into the vat of oil and voila, sheer goodness.
Heart Healthy indeed.
In the future I will make the sausage layer somewhat thinner so that I won't have to fry it quite so long. There is a little pink near the bottom of the side on the right that I had to cut and refry, but still good nonetheless.
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