Thoughts

Melissa had her D/C this morning.  Everything went well and she has been sleeping this afternoon.  It's nice to have that behind us.  The hospital has a wonderful program set up with one of the cemeteries in town that allows them to have a plot where they bury the babies in cases like ours should the parents so choose.  They have a short service every 3 months for the families.  It's nice because I just don't know what to tell Spencer when he asks what is going to happen to the baby.  Well now I do know.

The roller coaster of emotions certainly hasn't slowed down.  I can't remember being this confused about my feelings.  Melissa and I talk about it and we both would love to talk to others about it because it helps so much, but it is so hard to do so because then the tears flow.  So what do I do instead?  I write.

I never thought I was one of those guys who thought miscarriage was just something that happens, but I was.  It's rare that I see a pregnant woman who hasn't lost a baby some way or another.  The G3P3 as it were, just doesn't walk through the doors of my clinic very often so I've become accustomed to miscarriages.  I've been on the other side.  I've been the one to break the news to a soon-to-be mother that she is no longer so soon to be.  I've done a good job with it as far as I can tell but in my mind I think I've thought, it's okay, you can have other kids or this happened so early in your pregnancy that it's really not that big of a deal.

Then I had someone close to me go through an early miscarriage and I learned that it is pretty hard, but still I thought in my mind; I'm sure this is hard, but it happens all the time so you should be able to get through this pretty easily.  What an ignorant fool I was.

I made it through yesterday and most of today because I had to.  I had to be the one to tell Melissa that she didn't want to pass this at home.  I knew that the best choice for us knowing her and knowing myself was to get this procedure done as soon as possible.  I knew the surgeon and had complete faith in his abilities and I did my part to convey that to Melissa.  Now we are through that part and I don't know anymore.  What happens now?  I don't have any prior knowledge to hang on to.  I don't have any next steps to keep me firm.

I feel selfish because I already have 4 healthy and happy kids and I was worried about being disappointed if we didn't have twins.  I feel selfish because this baby wasn't a firm part of my family yet, but the loss affects my future.  It affects my plans.  It affects the ages of my children should we decide to have more.

I feel sad because we have lost something.  I'm confused because I can't identify that loss clearly.  I feel ashamed for not understanding.

Some years ago when I was going through a particularly bad spell of anxiety and depression I called my sister who talked me through some things and comforted me in ways I didn't think possible at the time.  She told me that there would come a time when I would do the same for someone else because I understood how it felt.  I have done that numerous times since that day, in both professional and private settings.

I feel this is very similar to that situation for as I ponder what has happened and read and hear the words of you who have experienced this I see that you understand.  Because this is something that does happen so often, there are so many people who understand, and your words are special.  It is through your words as well as the words of those who love us and have not experienced this that I see Christ.  I see the man of Galilee who paid for our sins and takes our burdens upon him.  I see the man who understands my trials because he suffered all.  I see his hand in his servants as they put aside their own needs to care for someone else who is hurting.  Those who comfort those who stand in need of comfort exemplify Christ, and bring me closer to him.  And I know that it is only though him that my pain can be soothed and my suffering can be eased because he already paid for this heartache, all I have to do is let him. 

I'm a better father, husband, and physician today that I was two days ago.  I have a closer relationship with my family, friends and most of all my Savior, but it may take some time before I stop wishing I could have just  learned this lesson from the scriptures.