Spencer has been learning a lot about prayer lately. Last week he was praying that Jessi would do better on her potty training, and it just so happened that she had a particularly bad day with it and before bed Spencer told me that prayers don't work. I tried to help him understand the concept of God's will and free agency, but come on he's 5. Instead we decided that he would keep praying for Jessi to get better at her potty training. The next day Jessi had a perfectly dry day and Spencer was so excited at bedtime because he prayed for Jessi to not have any potty accidents and she didn't!
Fast forward to Tuesday. Tuesday was my first day of actual patient care as a licensed physician. My first rotation is medicine which for most people is the most challenging mentally and a close second to OB as the most challenging physically (in family practice residencies anyway). This makes for a somewhat stressfull day and while I have been trying to prepare myself for it Tuesday was difficult for me. The learning curve in residency is steep at first and I have yet to meet a physician who says they weren't at least a little stressed. I have a tendency toward anxiety (thanks for that dad) and so I was very close to having an anxiety attack on Tuesday. Fortunately for me I have some experience with that(some of you faithful readers may remember an email on the subject a couple of years back). I know what it feels like and I can generally calm myself down enough to function. When I came home yesterday I was exhausted, not so much from the work but from my own stress. Because of that stress I am now sick with a cold that I'm pretty sure wouldn't have even caused me a sniffle in a nonstressed state (Melissa is perfectly healthy). Spencer noticed that I wasn't quite myself and asked me what was wrong so I told him I was scared of work (once again he's 5 people). When he said his prayers he prayed for daddy not to be scared.
Today was slightly better than yesterday. I stopped worrying about being inept and was able to accept that a little better and the day went pretty well. My cold got worse, but that will be another few days. I got home and things were not awesome, but they were better than yesterday. Spencer noticed and he asked me if I knew why I was feeling better. I said no and he responded by saying: "It's because I prayed for you not to be scared dad." It melted my heart and I cried. Of course then I had to explain to Spencer that sometimes people cry when they are happy.
Tonight Spencer and Jessi both prayed for me not to be scared and to do good at work so I'm planning to do a little more than just not screw up tomorrow.
While I feel like the dumbest resident on the planet (I've heard that is not so rare as I think) I think I'm keeping up with the curve when it comes to being a dad. Maybe the kids are praying for that too.
1 comment:
Spencer Rocks!
I'm sure you aren't the dumbest resident on the planet. You're probably not even in the bottom 10.
Have I ever told you about my experiences in my Masters Business Law Class? To make a long story short, it was rough, rough, rough. One time in particular, the professor handed back our tests, and said, "Okay, these are the tests, and the scores ranged from a high of (I don't remember) to a low of (I don't remember)." The low score was mine. I remember looking around at that big room full of students and being terrified, thinking, "I am the dumbest person in this room. What the heck am I doing here?"
As it turned out, I passed the class, kind of squeaking by, and was able to graduate.
I think we all have times when we feel completly and absolutely inadequate. Thankfully, that's usually when Heavenly Father sweeps in to fill in the cracks (especially if you have a faithful 5-year old asking Him to).
Take care out there, and remember these words, okay? I have a feeling I might need you to repeat them back to me come mid-October or so.
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